On Friday, my two little mindees both fell asleep in the double pushchair whilst we were out on an autumn nature hunt. Rather than wake one of them, I dragged the buggy upstairs with both children in it. By that evening my sciatica had flared up and I spent the weekend barely able to hobble around. At one point I was certain that I would have to get some crutches, but fortunately it improved quite quickly after a couple of days of rest.
Unfortunately, that wasn’t the end of my health problems this week. I ended up making another trip to A&E early Wednesday morning and was admitted for a couple of days. It wasn’t gallstones this time, apparently I have a 7 cm mass on my ovary. The pain from the torsion was the worst I’ve ever felt in my life. Huge doses of morphine, which usually brings magical relief, didn’t even touch it. The consultant is reluctant to operate unless absolutely necessary because of my age, so they are testing for tumour markers and I have to go back for another scan in six weeks.
Chronic fatigue, sciatica, scoliosis, gallstones, ovarian cysts… I’m starting to get fed up. Fed up of doctor appointments and blood tests and scans. Fed up of ending up in hospital after collapsing with sudden and severe pain. Fed up of beginning to think that perhaps it was all in my head, only to be proved wrong in spectacular fashion. Fed up of so many seemingly unrelated things going wrong with my body… and that’s just the things they’ve actually managed to diagnose!
I feel like a ticking time bomb. How long before it happens again? I wouldn’t mind so much if it only affected me, but as well as disrupting my own work it also disrupts my clients’ work, Colin’s work and often my mum’s work. Not wanting to let others down means that I end up leaving it for as long as possible before seeking medical treatment.
Apologies if this post reads like a self-pitying rant. It’s not the kind of thing I would normally share here, but sometimes it seems helpful to acknowledge how I’m feeling in order to let go and move past it. Writing is a cathartic process I suppose. It also explains why this blog has been so quiet recently, as often it is a struggle to get through the week and do just the necessary things. Our Pastor recently pointed me to this humbling and challenging verse in 2 Corinthians 12:9:
“My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”